What if

What if I told the hundreds of people who ask how I am doing the truth?  I smile and say we are ok, but we are not.  I say we are doing our best and I guess we are but not really.  What if I say I cry myself to sleep at night and I yell at my kids daily and I can’t keep control.  What if I tell people that I kicked in my sons door or have a bruise on my hand from hitting the cement floor to prove a point about laundry?  I know people mean well, but why do they ask?  I am walking through hell.  I didn’t know what lonely felt like until now.  I am drowning in a sea of regrets of things not said, love not exchanged, love lost and absolute confusion.  I don’t know what to do next or how to function.  I am surviving.  I am wondering how I will survive.  I am confused.  I am sad.  I am angry.  I am lost.  I am strong.  I am pitiful.  I am completely unsure of my future.  I know God has me but my faith is weak.  I am scared, really scared.  That is how I am.  Please don’t ask.  No matter how I answer it will be different a minute later……a second later.  I am.  That is all.

New look

So I had a blog.....Klaverweiden7 and I haven't posted in so long.  I decided to go back to it and I can't remember the password.  so here I am starting again......7kgang.  Well, that is us even though we are now missing one, that is who we are.  I have decided to start again because I needed a place to write out this journey.  You see, we are the 7kgang but we lost our leader on February 25, 2014.  My husband, the father of my five children, had a sudden heart attack.  No warning, No idea, No plan on how to move forward.  Read if you want, I just need to talk.