Fog

I read over and over again that the second year post lost is harder than the first.  My thoughts were, how in the hell is that possible?  I have ached with something so indescribable for over a year now.  It can't get worse, can it?  I have decided that it is not worse, but it is distinctly different.  It is harder on some levels because you see it.

Let me explain.  Imagine you are driving to work one foggy morning (teachers ignore:)) and you really can't see in front of you.  You know you need to get to your destination so you slowly move forward unable to see where you are going or what may lie in front of you.  You are praying without ceasing.  You are so unsure.  You are scared and nervous.  You are holding tight to the steering wheel and have double checked your seat belt.  Only God can keep you safe now, so you have absolute trust in Him because you really have no other choice in the matter.  God sends people to do so many things for you.  You really don't even have to ask.  Things just happen.  You know that God has the wheel and is steering.  It is truly blind faith.  Not because you choose it but because you have 0% visibility.

Now, a year later the fog has lifted.  Not completely but there is visibility.  You can see the road in front of you.  You are still scared and nervous but you see what needs to be done.  It is overwhelming.  So many other cars, so many people.  Where do you begin?  People can tell you can see so they stop coming.  You understand.  Days you love that they are gone and days you are angry they left.  But you see and this is the part that is harder.  You still trust God has the wheel but sometimes you try to steer, because you can see.  You still know that you are weak, but you appear strong because you can see.  The sight is hard.  It was almost easier in the dense fog.  The lost place.  The unknown.

The fog is lifting and now it is time to learn how to drive and still trust God.  So different, but yet so hard.