Lonely

I just need to say it......I am really lonely.  I am around people all of the time but I have no one to talk to.  I mean to really talk to.  People want to fix things.  People want to give me advice.  People think they are supposed to say something.  I just need a safe place.  I need a person to talk to.  I need to not feel so very alone.  The people I once thought were so close are all but gone.  Others have stepped in but not in a way that makes me feel safe.  I feel like a leper sometimes.  There is something wrong.  People don't know what to say so they stay away.  I know that I have never had a multitude of people close to me but right now I would really love to have someone.  I cry because I always wished Rocky would talk  to me more.  I know now that we talked all the time.  About stuff that mattered.  About my heart.  I had no idea what I had in him.  God, I miss him.  Now, I am lonely.  I am suffering.  I am tired.  I am doubting myself and my ability to do this.  I just wish I didn't feel so alone.  Please don't tell me that God is with me.  I know.

Widow

Sometimes when my life gets crazy I feel a need to explain my circumstances.  In the beginning I would tell people I was a single mom of five.  I would get reactions like wow, five!  And then nothing.  I realized that I had to present myself as a widow.  I don't look for much.  I only want people to understand I need to simplify. You see a single mom is generally divorced.  That means the man they had kids with they have decided they no longer want to be in relationship with.  No matter how evil, he is often still around to help.  At a minimum they get a weekend off every once in awhile.    I need people to understand I am alone.  This is my journey.  He will not pick them up from school and get them to the game.  He is gone.  He will not take one to one field while I go to the other.  He is permanently unavailable.  I am a widow.  I am alone.  I am not living out the consequences of my choices.  I am living out loss.  I am a single mom of five.  I am a widow.  It is different.

More than I can Handle

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

 

Read that again, go ahead.  Did you see where it said God will not give you more than you can handle?  I don't either.  I see that it says God will give us a way out of temptation.  See below for Wikipedia definition of temptation.

 

Temptation is the desire to perform an action that one may enjoy immediately or in the short term but will probably later regret for various reasons: legal, social, psychological (including feeling guilt), health-related, economic, etc. In the context of religion, temptation is the inclination to sin. Temptation also describes the coaxing or inducing a person into committing such an act, by manipulation or otherwise of curiosity, desire or fear of loss.

 

An action one may enjoy in the short term but may forget.  Hmmmmm.......are you thinking yet?

 

Everyone tells me that God will not give me more than I can handle as I walk through this overwhelming stage of my life.  I started looking it up.  God doesn't say that.  I am not tempted to sin.  I am however tempted to stick my head under a rock and cry.  Please don't tell me that God is giving me any of this.  He did not take Rocky.  He did not put Isaiah on a soccer team in Willards.  He did not create Micah as an angry young man.  He did not teach Phoebe to sass.  He did not create the anomaly of the pre teen years especially for Samuel.  He did not show Lucas how to cry to get what he wants.  He did not decide this week was a good one for my refrigerator to break down.  No, He loves me.  These things are partly due to sin of the flesh, yes......my sin?  My desire to feel good in the moment?  No.

 

God did not give me these things.  He is not interested in testing my every possible limit at once.  He is, however, interested in walking through this with me.  He did say

 

Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. Hebrews 13:5

 

See, God is going to give me the grace to do this thing.  He is going to carry me.  He may even drag me at times.  But never, never is he going to leave me.  Please think before you speak.  Cliches are just so empty and make the one delivering them seem so empty.  Especially when someone is in need of truth.  Sometimes truth is simple......Life Sucks, But God is Still on the Throne.

Buzzing

I knew it would happen, but it is still hard.  I don't blame them, they don't know.  I really don't even know what I expect.  I am not sure they could ever get it right. 

The day after Rocky's death my home was a bee hive.  There is no other way to describe it.  The worker bees came in and took over.  Took over to a level of making me uncomfortable.  Some of these bees I knew, some I had seen.  Some I thought were sending me a message that they were there for me.  I was advised to let them do their thing.  Was it nice to have my home cleaned?  Sure.  Was it nice that people cared?  I suppose.  The truth is now 5 months later, the pain is harder.  The reality is far more concrete.  The bees are long gone.  Just wondering, if the motive was not to help the hive thrive, then perhaps you should not have swarmed.

Learning Control

Several times lately I have seen the statement that says, "Sometimes memories are seen as tears running down my cheeks."  I get that.  Sometimes they are out of control.  What I have found is that when I am tired or stressed I have less control of this.  That is my fear with going back into the classroom.  It is both exhausting and stressful.  What do I do when my mind goes back to the pain?  How do I handle the defiant kid?  I have struggled with controlling my reactions with my own children. They know where I am.  How do I do that with others?  The though of the classroom brings tears to my eyes.  I know God has me there and will help me but I really don't know what that will look like.  When I think about it, I cry.  I suppose I will learn to control the tears and let them flow at night.  There are very few that understand where I am.  They are not at work.  At school, I am supposed to be in control.  I can fake it, but I am not sure for how long.  Going to learn control.  Somehow, Someway.

BED

Bed....seems like such a simple word, but it is so complicated.  I am going to bed.  I must be tired.  They went to bed.  They must like each other.  We make our bed and lie in it.  Living with choices.

For me, my bed has brought on so much emotion.  Every night I go to bed.  I walk around the bed to the far side to get in on my side.  His side stays empty.  I started on the far side to be protected.  When I go to the bathroom I walk around the bed.  Never climbing over.  Never disturbing that space.  When I wake only half the bed needs to be made.  Half.  So symbolic.  Seems so simple but represents so much.  That half of the bed stays empty.  Every night it reminds me of the missing in my life.  No matter how much I pretend, that part of me is gone.  The bed, the reminder.  Oh, to hear the snoring.  That snoring that would cause me to shove with all my might to make it stop.  Tonight, it would sound like music.  Oh, to walk around so I would not wake the man lying there.  Oh, to meet in the middle.

For months I stayed up as late as possible so I would crash and not think about or see the bed.  Now, the bed awaits every night.  A constant reminder of all that was, and all that is no more.

What if

What if I told the hundreds of people who ask how I am doing the truth?  I smile and say we are ok, but we are not.  I say we are doing our best and I guess we are but not really.  What if I say I cry myself to sleep at night and I yell at my kids daily and I can’t keep control.  What if I tell people that I kicked in my sons door or have a bruise on my hand from hitting the cement floor to prove a point about laundry?  I know people mean well, but why do they ask?  I am walking through hell.  I didn’t know what lonely felt like until now.  I am drowning in a sea of regrets of things not said, love not exchanged, love lost and absolute confusion.  I don’t know what to do next or how to function.  I am surviving.  I am wondering how I will survive.  I am confused.  I am sad.  I am angry.  I am lost.  I am strong.  I am pitiful.  I am completely unsure of my future.  I know God has me but my faith is weak.  I am scared, really scared.  That is how I am.  Please don’t ask.  No matter how I answer it will be different a minute later……a second later.  I am.  That is all.