Its a Private Life

I have been insanely skeptical of Facebook since Rocky died.

It started with the fact that Facebook was burning up with the news before my children were even told.  I have researched and know the first person who posted it.  And the second for that matter.  They were out of line.  I remember being in the hospital and seeing and hearing about all the posts.  I had asked how all the people who showed up at the hospital knew what was going on.  I was told Facebook.  Well meaning people making my business public before I was ready.  That evening, my principal called and wanted to know how I wanted to tell the staff.  My response, "They already know, it is all over Facebook".  She said that made her sad.  Me too.

Then, I received over 50 friend requests within 24 hours of his death.  I called these people my Facebook voyeurs.  Most of whom are still sitting in my friend request page.  I didn't become their friends.  If we weren't friends before my life became so interesting why do they want to be my friends now?

Then, the "friends".  The people on my page.  The ones who claimed what a great friend I was and how heartbroken they were.  Some of these people I really didn't know.  About 6 months later, I deleted a lot of these "friends".  At this point, no one commented to me anymore until I posted something.  Anything.  Then they all piped in again and it confused me.  I am alone, sinking, lost, and confused.  These people publicly claimed to care.  I got angry.  I stopped posting.  If you cared you would call.  If you cared, you would ask how I was.  If you cared, you would greet me Sunday morning.  If you cared......you would do anything but wait for a Facebook post to respond to. 

Facebook is not real.  Facebook has nothing to do with friends.  Facebook is shallow.  Facebook is where you can know what is going on (only in a way that people allow) and you feel in the loop.  Facebook is anything but social.

This is why I do not wish happy birthday on Facebook.  If I don't know you well enough to have your number and send you a text or give you a call, I am not clouding your wall.  Maybe I am wrong, but it is the decision I made.

I am not giving the voyeurs a glimpse into my children's world.  If they cared, they would ask.  I am doing my best to preserve my children and the life we have to live.  It is hard and it is not charming.  I can't paint it in a rainbows and unicorns way that is the Facebook status quo.  Our lives are messy.  Our lives are real.

OK, so why am I still on Facebook?  I ask myself that question every day.  I am not sure.  I think it is an addiction.  I think the fleshly side of me feels I will miss something.  I struggle with it.  It makes me judge.  It makes me mad.  It makes me question people. 

One day I will be strong enough to leave it.  Maybe.

Just Five Words

As a family we were preparing for a day at the beach.  My thoughts were a few hours in the ocean and then hit the boardwalk.  Sound great, right.  Somehow, getting out the door something went terribly wrong.  It started with me.

As we are loading the car the kids inform me that they don't want to go in the ocean.  I want to sit on the beach.  So I did what any self respecting mother would do and had an adult temper tantrum.  It was the beach but also, my son was talking to a neighbor just a few minutes before.  This particular neighbor is fairly clueless to my life and as a result has said some insanely hurtful and insensitive things to me.  So, needless to say my kids shouldn't talk with someone who I have issues with, right?  I know, so two instances that reveal the maturity level of my day.  Not my finest moments but hold on.  I would not just write about that.  Although these things are petty, they set off a rant from me unparalleled to any madness I had previously displayed.  I completely lost it.

I went off on me to my children.  I told them how insecure I was about my weight, my future, my life.  I went on about how lonely I was and how angry I was that I had to parent them alone.  I went off on how impossible I was finding each day to be.  I told them how insecure I am in my relationships and how I feel let down and abandoned by everyone in my life.  I went off.  Not a quiet dissertation on all that is wrong with me.  A screaming, cussing, over the top rant.  Of course I had to add how messy their rooms were and why are there still bike parts on the yard (relevant, right?).  It was madness.  I own that.

Like the wise children that they are, they scattered.  It made me angry at the time, but really they were utilizing strategies I had taught them when madness strikes.  Finally, after a few breaths and inner questioning about what had just happened, my son rides his bike back up the driveway.  I asked where he went and why he rode off.  His response was just five words.

I was mad at you.

Those words were delivered with tears in his eyes.  Those words were delivered straight to my heart.  Those words said more to me than anyone can possibly imagine.

First, my son could see through all I said and eloquently and directly deliver his feeling back.  Wow.

Second, what he said was so much more.  He said, mom we need you.  We depend on you for our strength and what are we supposed to do when you don't believe in yourself.  He said, mom we believe in you.  He said mom, you are loved.  You are special and the moment you feel lonely or desperate remember us.  He said, remember the ones that do care.  The ones that have come to our rescue.  He said you are child of God and he has never left you.  He reminded me to appreciate the moment we were in and live it the best way possible.  He said, you are our mom and that makes you everything to us.

Ok, adequately humbled.  I called the people from their hiding places and had them hold hands in a circle.  Some didn't want to touch others but I held it together.  I apologized and told them I made a major mommy mistake (not the first and I am sure not the last).  We prayed that God would restore peace and happiness to our home.

Then, we left for the beach.  We played in the waves, ate Thrashers and Dumsers (the only proper dinner after such a mommy snafu), we rode rides and we laughed.  Just five words spoke to my soul.  No guarantee that I will never again walk off the ledge, but I have a family that loves me unconditionally.  I have a God that loves me even more.  Just Five Words and a total perspective shift.  I was mad at you.

Revelation

My husband is dead.  I know, you already know this, but would you believe that even after almost 17 months I still wake up some days with this revelation.  Some days it is like a new realization.  Some days, I think it and remind myself that I got this.  Some days, I think it and God tells me we got this.  Some days, I feel like I am drowning in the Hudson River with weights tied to my feet (to many movies, I know).  I remind myself of how far we have come.  I remind myself of the things I have accomplished that I never would have dreamed.  Some days I remember all the decisions yet to make.  Some days it is new.  Some days it is not.  Everyday it is my reality.

If you need me

After Rocky died, people had the best of intentions.  They said, "call me if you need anything".  They meant it.  Many had a need to emphasize how much they meant it.  Saying that they know everyone says it but they are the real deal.  I can't even begin to tell you how many people professed to be the real deal. 

Then, there was another group of people.  These said I know you are strong and fairly private so you will let me know when you want me to step in.  These are the people who knew me better and knew just how stubborn I could be.  They used my personality as their out.  At least that's how I see it.  Oh, she is strong.  She has this.  She will let us know what to do.  She wouldn't want me to interfere.  I don't want to make her angry or step on her toes.  I will just wait in the wings until she tells me she needs something.  To be honest, what a cop out!

Here is the analogy.

You are on a boat in the ocean and someone falls overboard.  You know this person knows how to swim so you just watch.  The boat is moving farther away.  You yell to the person.  "Hey, if you think you need a life ring just let me know.  I am right here ready to throw it as soon as you say so."  Does that make sense?  Absolutely not.  You see the person struggle but you watch and wait.  You don't call for help or send the life ring, you are watching them sink.  I don't think I know a single person who would not immediately call for help and throw the ring. 

So why is it when we are drowning in life, no one throws the ring.  The person in the water is panicked.  The person in the water is giving every ounce of their effort to just stay floating above water.  The person sinking is scared.  For the love of God, throw the life ring.  Be the support. 

Lip service is just that.  Be willing to jump in if necessary.

Summer

Well, summer is almost here.  If you know anything about me, you know I cherish summer.  Time with my family to focus on the ones I love.  To enjoy lazy days and find great adventures.  To remember all that matters.  To refuel for the job I have been called to do 10 months out of the year.  To sleep.  To laugh.  To be incredibly spontaneous.  I love hiking, the beach, the river, bike riding and long walks.

Last summer, the first day of summer was torture.  It was the day I realized Rocky was really gone.  I know June is several months past February, but I had gone into survival mode and hadn't processed my reality.  You see, all the fun things I did were done as a family.  Rocky always behind the wheel guiding us into some great adventure.  I remember walking out to the shed and falling on the floor.  I was there for hours.  I remember sitting in his truck and remembering.  I remember moving to his van and remembering.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  It was real.  There was no schedule to keep me busy, no papers to grade.  Just my reality.  It had been there all along but I was choosing to ignore it.  Summer......it came crashing down all around me.

Then I remembered that I did not die on February 25.  My life was altered forever, sure. My kids had a new lens on life, absolutely.  We had to find a new way to happiness.  We did.  We made new memories.  We went on different types of adventures.  We lived.  As the summer approaches I remember this .  It would be easy to fall into a victim status.  It would be easy to get lost in despair.  I refuse.  I can feel the tug, but I refuse to give in.  I choose life.  I want to continue to live the life that Rocky would have wanted for us.  So, this summer.....watch out.  The Klaverweiden's are living!

Fog

I read over and over again that the second year post lost is harder than the first.  My thoughts were, how in the hell is that possible?  I have ached with something so indescribable for over a year now.  It can't get worse, can it?  I have decided that it is not worse, but it is distinctly different.  It is harder on some levels because you see it.

Let me explain.  Imagine you are driving to work one foggy morning (teachers ignore:)) and you really can't see in front of you.  You know you need to get to your destination so you slowly move forward unable to see where you are going or what may lie in front of you.  You are praying without ceasing.  You are so unsure.  You are scared and nervous.  You are holding tight to the steering wheel and have double checked your seat belt.  Only God can keep you safe now, so you have absolute trust in Him because you really have no other choice in the matter.  God sends people to do so many things for you.  You really don't even have to ask.  Things just happen.  You know that God has the wheel and is steering.  It is truly blind faith.  Not because you choose it but because you have 0% visibility.

Now, a year later the fog has lifted.  Not completely but there is visibility.  You can see the road in front of you.  You are still scared and nervous but you see what needs to be done.  It is overwhelming.  So many other cars, so many people.  Where do you begin?  People can tell you can see so they stop coming.  You understand.  Days you love that they are gone and days you are angry they left.  But you see and this is the part that is harder.  You still trust God has the wheel but sometimes you try to steer, because you can see.  You still know that you are weak, but you appear strong because you can see.  The sight is hard.  It was almost easier in the dense fog.  The lost place.  The unknown.

The fog is lifting and now it is time to learn how to drive and still trust God.  So different, but yet so hard.

New Beginnings.....New Hope.......Sunday is Here!

Today my son chose to be baptized in the faith.  Today, it was not only symbolic of his life with Jesus but it also meant he is ready to step forward in a new life.  We have lived in our Saturday for a long time now.  We have lived between Good Friday and the questions of loss and pain.  The place of realizing that the future was not going to look like we had planned.  The place of wondering how God was going to rewrite our future.  The place of despair.  We have never lost the faith.  We know God is in control but we have no idea what that is going to look like.  We can't even envision it.  We can't even imagine the complete unknown.  We can't see the resurrection of our lives.  The new beginnings.  The new hope.  Today we tried to grab it.  We took this Easter Sunday and stepped out in faith.  We are ready for new.  We are trusting God.  Samuel took it to a full level publicly choosing baptism.  He said I am ready to accept the resurrection and the next that God has ordained for me.  He said it is time to leave Saturday and live in the Sunday.  He reminded me that there is so much life still to live and it is best to follow the path the Lord has laid out for us.  He reminded me  that it is time to put my faith in action.  He reminded me that Jesus died so we could live.  Every step is scary but I am developing a great anticipation for what is next. 

Pastor Bill whispered in his ear how proud his father would be of him.

New Beginnings.......Let's Do This Thing.