Thanksgiving

Well, tomorrow is the day we give thanks.  I am having a hard time.  I truly have so much to be thankful for but I am drowning right now.  I can list all the Lord and his servants have done for us this past year.  I can think of all that I thought would never happen and has.  I can breath easier knowing that I have been taken care of.  I don't feel strong.  People ask about the holidays and I don't feel like I have been stressing.  Then I think about it and know that I have.  As the holidays approach I am irritable.  I am not sleeping.  I am short fused (God please grant excess favor to my children as they have to live through this).  I have a plan and I am working the holiday plan but I am tired.  I find no joy.  It is all obligation.  Tomorrow we will travel to my moms and I will be thankful.  I will sit at the table and I will remember years gone past when he was there.  I will think about all who have stepped out to love on us.  I will be grateful.  I will relearn Thanksgiving.  I will remember never to take anything for granted.

Big Bear Arms

I have had an exceptionally hard week.  Don't know for sure what went wrong.  I have been tired.  I have been irritable.  I have had disappointments and I have had great moments.  I am exceptionally tired.  I know I am stressed because my back aches.  The muscles across my back just throb continuously.  All I can think is whenever I would feel like this.  You know when the everyday business of life just seems to much, I remember Rocky.  I would walk up to him and tell him to just hold me.  I would rest my head on his strong shoulders and he would wrap those arms around me and just hold me.  Usually after a few minutes like this I would feel the stresses of the world leave my back.  His embrace would literally dissolve all that was wearing me down.  For almost a week now I have longed for those big bear arms.  They made it all better.  They gave me rest.  They allowed me to regroup and press on.  I am feeling  the strain of life and dreaming of those arms.  The dreams aren't taking the pain and I am  sad.

Over It

Today my son had to deal with something so insensitive that it breaks my heart.  Apparently at lunch counseling came up and he admitted that he sees a counselor.  Students who don't know us asked why.  He told them that his dad died.  There was a student there who knows our family and our story.  Someone who has watched us walk the past 8 months out.  That student said, "you aren't over that yet?"  He then followed up with, "my dog died and I am over it."  My son said he started to cry.  Not open sobs but tears in his eyes that he held back with all of his might.  Praise God for the sensitive friends around him that responded and spoke for him in that moment.  They responded with things like, "It was his dad, not a dog".  "I wouldn't be over it."  And then a simple, "I am sorry."  He was glad they spoke for him.  He said their expressions were way more powerful than their words.  I am thankful for them.  They gave him the moments he needed to compose himself and press on.  That is what we do, compose ourselves and press on.  My children will never be over it.  They will get awards and wish their father was there to see.  They will succeed in sports and wish their father was on the sideline.  They will graduate and wish their father was there.  They will one day marry and wish their father was there to meet the love of their lives.  They  will have children and cry that their father will never meet them.  They will wonder what kind of grandfather he would have been.  They will send their kids to school on grandparents day and remember the void.  They will never get over it.  They will learn to live with it but that is not the same.  I am glad he shared this moment with me.  I am thankful that we talk.  I am glad we can pray and ask for God to walk with us.  I am glad we can pray and extend forgiveness to the offender who just doesn't understand.  We can pray that people will be sensitive to us and we learn to realize that everyone is on a journey.  We can be sensitive to others.