Holiday thoughts the day after.

I have never been a big "let's get all crazy because it is December" kind of girl.  That said, I work hard to make the holidays special for my children.  Here are my rants this year.

1.  Why do people have to post every thing they do for their kids on facebook?  Does it make me less of a mom because the world doesn't know all I do?  Why do people post?  To showoff?  To beg for affirmation that they are doing a good job?  I struggle between good for you and hey, I do that too. When people say "you are such a wonderful mama".  I go back and forth between yes you are and why do you feel a need to publish your life?   I just choose not to publish it.  We do gingerbread houses, we bake cookies, we have traditions.  Ugg, another reason to hate December or Facebook, or both.

2.  Jesus wasn't really born in December.  I know it is the symbolic present that is celebrated but I am a realist.  If you get all crazy Jesus in December I think its weird.  Jesus is the gift that we open daily.  this past year has shown me that Jesus sometimes needs to be unwrapped multiple times a day.  I find it un-nerving that his glory seems to be saved for December and then wrapped up so awkwardly for a savior.

3.  Even in December, life goes on.  I have had sick kids, a broken freezer (hundreds of dollars worth of food lost), an broken garbage disposal, flat tires, an xbox that explodes after multiple gifts are opened.  I want to put a smile on my face and say ho, ho, ho but the reality is reality presses on and on December 26 I need to unwrap Jesus............again.

4.  Loss sucks.  I can paint a beautiful word picture if I want to, but I don't want to.  This season was exhausting, stressful, sad, lonely, and down right stinky.  Yes, people helped and yes I am thankful, but yes Christmas night I cried myself to sleep.  I mean deep, heart wrenching crying.  No, you cant fix it.  Yes, it makes me ugly.  Yes, I am surviving.  No, you can't help.  One day I will thank you for asking.

5.  Family is what is it is.  Not all families join in joy and laughter for the holidays.  Yes, we gather.  It is not Hallmark.  I wish it were.  Sometimes I think Hallmark must get a throw back from the anti-depressant/counseling industry.  I mean does it really happen?

Rant done for now I suppose.  I am thankful.  I know all year Jesus has been by comforter and has provided for me.  Rocky was my Merry Who-ha guy.  I am just a mom doing her best in a world that I really just don't understand.

Thinking of You

Thinking of you......these words are now a source of absolute frustration for me.  People who have been my "friends" from before Rocky's death have been no where to be seen.  As the holidays approach, I get texts, cards, messages that people have been thinking of me.  What do you think they are thinking?  Sorry I wasn't there for you this  year?  Don't know how  you are going to do Christmas without him?  I honestly don't know what they are thinking about.  I think they are thinking, thank God it isn't me.  That goes with the comments, I could never do all you do.  You are so strong.  You're such an inspiration.  Blah, blah, blah.....I am doing nothing more than dealing with the circumstances life has dealt me.  Please, don't think about me if you don't care.

On the other hand.  People who were once strangers or casual acquaintances have become my closest friends.  They are not thinking about me, they are there for me.  They stop me in public and give me a hug and I realize how much I crave human touch.  They prepare my home for the holidays.  They make meals and fill my freezer so dinner is not another stressor in my life.  They take my kids holiday shopping.  They give me books and words of inspiration.  They pray with me.  They find a way to take me to lunch or dinner (usually enlisting the help of their families).  They do.  No offense but right now your thoughts do nothing for me.

I have struggled to find God in the midst of this, especially during the holidays.  Then I remember these people who have come to me are the hands and feet of God and I am thankful for them.