Guilt

So were sitting at the table talking and somehow Rocky's funeral became the topic of conversation.  I shared that I wished we had filmed the entire receiving line.  I wanted to see who was there and what my reaction was to each person.  I don't know why, perhaps because I have been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately about myself and relationships in my life.

My oldest begins to cry.  First, he said he is glad there are no pictures because he doesn't want to remember that day.  I began to ask why and figure out where he was coming from.  He was feeling guilty.

You see, our church set up a room off the sanctuary for the kids.  It was filled with snacks and games.  The kids stayed in that room for most of the receiving line time.  I thought it was a gift that my children were occupied so I could attend to the business at hand.  As a child came through the line, I advised them where the children were.  All the children seemed to be relieved to leave the room where the guy was lying in the coffin.  Uncomfortable for adults, can only imagine how my children's friends felt.  Anyway,  in that room people had their ipods, kindles, phones or whatever other device they had stuffed in their pockets.  Most of my children stayed in that room the whole time.  We had a private viewing as a family (another topic) and they walked back in with me at the beginning of the service (we did not want to witness the lid being closed on the coffin).

The guilt.  Apparently that room was fun.  He should not have had fun and smiled at his fathers funeral.  What kind of person has fun at their own fathers funeral.  I told him, his dad would have been in that room playing games too if he could.  That his dad and all the other people understood  the internal struggle and no one judged or thought anything of it.  He just cried and said, "I had fun at my own dad's funeral".  I have no idea how to make that guilt go away.

I pray he finds peace with it.

I hope he understands that everyone understood.

I hope he realizes that laughter is medicine.

I don't want him to carry this guilt.

I am sad he feels this way.

Guilt can be powerful.