Just Five Words

As a family we were preparing for a day at the beach.  My thoughts were a few hours in the ocean and then hit the boardwalk.  Sound great, right.  Somehow, getting out the door something went terribly wrong.  It started with me.

As we are loading the car the kids inform me that they don't want to go in the ocean.  I want to sit on the beach.  So I did what any self respecting mother would do and had an adult temper tantrum.  It was the beach but also, my son was talking to a neighbor just a few minutes before.  This particular neighbor is fairly clueless to my life and as a result has said some insanely hurtful and insensitive things to me.  So, needless to say my kids shouldn't talk with someone who I have issues with, right?  I know, so two instances that reveal the maturity level of my day.  Not my finest moments but hold on.  I would not just write about that.  Although these things are petty, they set off a rant from me unparalleled to any madness I had previously displayed.  I completely lost it.

I went off on me to my children.  I told them how insecure I was about my weight, my future, my life.  I went on about how lonely I was and how angry I was that I had to parent them alone.  I went off on how impossible I was finding each day to be.  I told them how insecure I am in my relationships and how I feel let down and abandoned by everyone in my life.  I went off.  Not a quiet dissertation on all that is wrong with me.  A screaming, cussing, over the top rant.  Of course I had to add how messy their rooms were and why are there still bike parts on the yard (relevant, right?).  It was madness.  I own that.

Like the wise children that they are, they scattered.  It made me angry at the time, but really they were utilizing strategies I had taught them when madness strikes.  Finally, after a few breaths and inner questioning about what had just happened, my son rides his bike back up the driveway.  I asked where he went and why he rode off.  His response was just five words.

I was mad at you.

Those words were delivered with tears in his eyes.  Those words were delivered straight to my heart.  Those words said more to me than anyone can possibly imagine.

First, my son could see through all I said and eloquently and directly deliver his feeling back.  Wow.

Second, what he said was so much more.  He said, mom we need you.  We depend on you for our strength and what are we supposed to do when you don't believe in yourself.  He said, mom we believe in you.  He said mom, you are loved.  You are special and the moment you feel lonely or desperate remember us.  He said, remember the ones that do care.  The ones that have come to our rescue.  He said you are child of God and he has never left you.  He reminded me to appreciate the moment we were in and live it the best way possible.  He said, you are our mom and that makes you everything to us.

Ok, adequately humbled.  I called the people from their hiding places and had them hold hands in a circle.  Some didn't want to touch others but I held it together.  I apologized and told them I made a major mommy mistake (not the first and I am sure not the last).  We prayed that God would restore peace and happiness to our home.

Then, we left for the beach.  We played in the waves, ate Thrashers and Dumsers (the only proper dinner after such a mommy snafu), we rode rides and we laughed.  Just five words spoke to my soul.  No guarantee that I will never again walk off the ledge, but I have a family that loves me unconditionally.  I have a God that loves me even more.  Just Five Words and a total perspective shift.  I was mad at you.

Revelation

My husband is dead.  I know, you already know this, but would you believe that even after almost 17 months I still wake up some days with this revelation.  Some days it is like a new realization.  Some days, I think it and remind myself that I got this.  Some days, I think it and God tells me we got this.  Some days, I feel like I am drowning in the Hudson River with weights tied to my feet (to many movies, I know).  I remind myself of how far we have come.  I remind myself of the things I have accomplished that I never would have dreamed.  Some days I remember all the decisions yet to make.  Some days it is new.  Some days it is not.  Everyday it is my reality.

If you need me

After Rocky died, people had the best of intentions.  They said, "call me if you need anything".  They meant it.  Many had a need to emphasize how much they meant it.  Saying that they know everyone says it but they are the real deal.  I can't even begin to tell you how many people professed to be the real deal. 

Then, there was another group of people.  These said I know you are strong and fairly private so you will let me know when you want me to step in.  These are the people who knew me better and knew just how stubborn I could be.  They used my personality as their out.  At least that's how I see it.  Oh, she is strong.  She has this.  She will let us know what to do.  She wouldn't want me to interfere.  I don't want to make her angry or step on her toes.  I will just wait in the wings until she tells me she needs something.  To be honest, what a cop out!

Here is the analogy.

You are on a boat in the ocean and someone falls overboard.  You know this person knows how to swim so you just watch.  The boat is moving farther away.  You yell to the person.  "Hey, if you think you need a life ring just let me know.  I am right here ready to throw it as soon as you say so."  Does that make sense?  Absolutely not.  You see the person struggle but you watch and wait.  You don't call for help or send the life ring, you are watching them sink.  I don't think I know a single person who would not immediately call for help and throw the ring. 

So why is it when we are drowning in life, no one throws the ring.  The person in the water is panicked.  The person in the water is giving every ounce of their effort to just stay floating above water.  The person sinking is scared.  For the love of God, throw the life ring.  Be the support. 

Lip service is just that.  Be willing to jump in if necessary.