A great mom and a horrible dad

I was riding in the car with Micah.  It was one of those how in the heck do we do it kind of days.  I went to a training at work.  Left the training picked the kids up for dentist appointments, left there for counseling, dropped Phoebe off at the barn and was finally heading home.  Decided I was spent and stopped for some KFC for dinner.  If you ever go to KFC in Salisbury, you know it is the slowest fast food on the planet.  So we had plenty of time to wait.  In that time, the sheer exhaustion came out and I said that I was not doing this single parent thing very well.  Micah questioned me.  I went on one of my dialogues that I am not sure anyone listens to and more pitifully, I am not sure I care.  Eventually I made a proclamation.

I am not failing at parenting.
I am a really great mom.  I nurture, I love, I am there for my kids.
I am a terrible dad.  I can't follow through on punishments.  I am inconsistent.  I am not firm, but erratic.

Micah looked at me.  It was quiet for a minute as we both pondered what I had just said.  All of a sudden he is crying.  I am looking at him.  Whoa......this one never shows any emotion other than anger.  He says, "The last thing I said was I'll see you after school".  I said, "me too".  He then said something that hit me so deep down.  He said, "You and dad used to fight."  I told him that we did and that couples do that some times.  He told me that at one point he thought we were going to get divorced. 

I was speechless.

Rocky and I didn't fight often but when we did, we did it well.  And apparently loud.

Micah and I talked.  I told him that our move to Gumboro was really stressful.  I shared that I have had to deal with the stress the move put on our family at the time he died.  That it was something I had to process and deal with.  I told him that couples fight and I am so sorry that he ever thought we wouldn't stay together.  I told him that his father and I loved each other and were committed to make it work.  I told him that his father loved him.  And that I loved him very much.

He said, "Can you order tacos with that chicken?"  And like that the moment was gone and he had moved on.

Told you the KFC was slow.

I am thankful for that moment.  I am thankful that he shared.  I am thankful that I understand.

I am not a bad parent.  I am a great mom.  I am not so good at being dad.  I am learning to be both.