I don't want to forget details so I am just going to remember that day. February 25, 2014. The day that altered my reality.
Like any other day. We woke up and I and left for work. Rocky would follow me into town about an hour later to take the kids to school. My day was normal. We actually, my students were on a field trip to Baltimore and I had a very casual, uneventful day at work. The building was quiet and my work load was light. It was towards the end of the day so I was in my planning time. I get a phone call to come to the office. My first thought, what have I done now? Not that I get called to the principals office a lot but when the call does come to have to wonder why. Is some parent complaining? Did you open your big mouth again? I get to the office and Bud Nichols, a friend, was in the office with the deputy. They immediately wanted to take me somewhere we could talk. Weird. We go the deputy's office and Bud tells me that Rocky is in an ambulance on the way to PRMC. I immediately say, "its his heart." How did I know that? Two days prior, we were finally emptying the attic of our house. We have moved two months before (that is a whole different story). When Rocky went to put a box on the trailer he paused and grabbed his chest. I remember asking if he was Ok and he said he was fine. That moment in the office with Bud I knew that that moment at the trailer was something more. My mind raced thinking about my strong man sick in bed at the hospital with heart disease. I began thinking about the kids and how I would manage with them during his recovery. I wondered how long the recovery would be. You see, this was the only thing I was thinking.
Bud wouldn't let me drive myself to the hospital. He said he was told to take me and I thought it was silly but knew he was following the directions of Colleen, his wife, and far be it from me to force a man to not follow the instructions given to him. We get to the ER and Bud speaks for me that my husband is coming in an ambulance. The woman looks at the screen and says he is on his way. She was somber but I thought nothing of it. In hindsight, I know her screen told her what was about to happen in my life. The timing was crazy because Bud had to leave to pick up our children from school. I asked him to take them home to his house so I could determine how sick my husband was and how I was going to proceed. The women at the screen suggested I sit out with her and not go into the normal waiting room. More hindsight, she didn't want me to be alone. She knew. After maybe ten minutes that seemed like an hour. I was asked to come into the family room. I didn't know that this was the place they took you to share bad news. I gladly went still just wanted to see my husband. I sat there alone for what felt like an eternity. A nurse entered, an ER doctor entered, clergy entered. They introduced themselves. Note, if clergy ever comes in the family room, run like hell the outcome is not good. So I was in this room with these three people . The clergy sat behind me, the nurse next to me and the doctor in front of me. You could feel the collective deep breath these people took. It sucked the air right out of the room. The doctor looked me in the eyes and I knew. I told him not to speak, that if he didn't say it, it would not be real. He said it. Time stopped. He said the people in the ambulance had been working on Rocky for almost an hour with no response. He was sorry. My first words, "the children". Oh my god, what am I going to do. This can't be real. This isn't happening. This can't possibly be my reality. The clergy lady began to speak. I immediately didn't like her. Empty words. Lies. She told me the children would always remember their dad and he would live forever in them. I told her she was a liar, the twins were only 5 and they would not remember. I told her people forget details. I told her I have forgotten a lot about my dad and I was a lot older than any of my kids when he died. She learned to stop talking. Thank God for that.
My friend Elaine, who we were currently renting from and Rocky was working her chicken houses, came into the room. She held me. I cried. They finally let me go to Rocky. At that point, Elaine took my phone and got to work. She called Rocky's family. She called my family. She called the church. She took the drivers seat and I will be forever grateful for that.
I was led into a room. My husband lay on a gurney with the breathing apparatus still in his mouth. The sheet was up on his chest. He was pale. The initial sight took my breath away and I fell to the floor. This wasn't real. This wasn't my life. This couldn't possibly be my man lying here. Dead. It was. A nurse lifted me up and brought a chair next to him so I could sit. He was covered in feathers. There were feathers everywhere. If it wasn't so damn horrific it may have been funny. All those feathers. In his hair. In that crazy beard he had grown. I sat there and brushed the feathers out of his hair with my fingers. I talked to him.
People started coming. The first people to come back other than Elaine was my pastors. They all came. You see, this was so shocking that they all came. Their reactions and responses so different. Pastor Bill did a lot of pacing. And he would run his hand through his hair. I don't see him do that often and assume it is his internal stress reaction. He would ask questions and pace some more. Most of the answers I had to his questions were, I don't know. What about insurance? I don't know. How are you going to handle the kids? I don't know. I don't know. For the first time in my life, I knew nothing and had no clue what to do next. It is those moments that I am thankful for him. He turned to people and got things done. He asked the right questions. I didn't know. Pastor Mark held me to his side and cried. A steam of tears with no beginning and no end. Tears and occasionally he would shake his head in disbelief. The stream of tears stuck to me the most. It seemed never ending. It was so profound. Pastor Tab looked the most shocked. He shook his head and wanted to say something to sooth me, knowing there was nothing to say. So he didn't and that was ok.
Elaine brought Rocky's mom in the room. I had moved back to give her space with her son. At this moment my strong husband was her little boy. She just stared. Then she said, "I was supposed to die first". So simple. A mother doesn't plan to lose her child. It is a given that she will die first. Jay and Christine were both there with their mom. They too looked shocked. They were speechless. There is really nothing to say. No of us usually have nothing to say but in that moment, there were no words. They didn't stay long. I don't think Rocky's mom could handle looking at him any longer. I get that. I was torn between looking away and never wanting to take my eyes off of him again. What do you do?
As time passed, more people came. People from church, friends, Rocky's family. I was just there. I was numb. People said things. Don't ask me what. Finally, Pastor Bill asked me if I wanted all these people there? No. He sent them away. Thank God for that.
I knew right away I wanted an autopsy. I had to know. I was told not to request it but let them say they wanted it. That way the state would pay for it. Again, Pastor Bill took the lead. As the representative from the medical examiners office came in and asked questions, Pastor Bill and everyone left the room. It was her, Rocky and I alone now. She was very pregnant and I couldn't help thinking about the circle of life. I was losing the love of my life and she was carrying all of her dreams in her womb. Crazy, huh? She asked lots of questions and then left the room. Eventually, she came back and said they were going to take Rocky to Baltimore to perform an autopsy. It was what I wanted. After that it was time for me to say goodbye and leave the room. How do you walk away? My feet became lead. If I leave, it is over. If I stay, I can remain in this state of confusion. Confusion seemed the better choice. I walked down the hall. I left him there. I was lost.
The children? How do I tell the children? That became the new focus. Not today, I can't write any more. That story will come.
No comments:
Post a Comment