Rings

Several months after Rocky died I wondered how long the average widow keeps her rings on.  So in true, fashion I researched it.  I found that it varies.  I know, who needs research to know that.  I learned that some people move their rings to chains and wear around their necks.  Some just put them away and some sell them to remove the memories.  I wasn't sure any of those options worked for me.  I hit a place at about 8 months post loss where I looked at the rings often and realized that although I still loved Rocky deeply, I was no longer married.  I no longer had a partner doing life with me.  I didn't remove the rings, but I looked at them often and contemplated their meaning.

Then a breakdown came.

Over the Christmas break from school, I wept a lot.  I processed the loss of his life.  I processed the loss of dreams.  I processed the change in my future.  One night while I was sobbing in bed the rings came off.  It was symbolic of the tears.  The loss.  The changes in my life.  This was 10 months post loss.  I started to really look towards tomorrow.  I started to embrace my now.  I shed tears of change.

Here I am a month later.  The rings still sit on my nightstand.  The marks of almost 23 years of wear still show on my finger although it is starting to fade.  Even when the mark on my finger is gone, the mark on my life will be forever.  Things have changed.  I have changed.  My kids have changed.

In all the change, we are learning.  We are moving forward.  We have new symbols that represent all that was and all that will be.

Offense

We are told that offense can block all of our blessings.  Offenses happen, we are not to pick them up.  It is called the Bait of Satan.  I am struggling not to be offended.  There are people that I put expectation on during this trial  in my life and they did not meet those expectations.  I know Pastor Mark says expectations lead to disappointment which lead to offense.  Don't put expectations on people and then  they can't fail you.  I am human.

There are people in my life that seemed to disappear when this got tough.

There are ministries that ignored my hurt and pain.

There are "prayer warriors" who never prayed with me.  They claimed to pray for me, but never with me (even when asked).

There were opportunities to make me feel valued that went unnoticed.

This is not a post where I will counter with the blessings that have happened.  The truth is most of them were provision.  A need I know.  I am talking about the people who could have been there for me.  Shoulders to cry on.  Peace in the storm.  My needs have been met for my children and my home.

I have felt deserted as a woman.  I am offended.

My prayer is to not let this jade me to much.  I am asking that somehow I can find grace for the offenders.  A few have hurt me deeply.  I know people are busy with their own lives and for me to expect to be a priority to them is selfish.  I guess I feel like selfish was ok during this season.  I have learned how to be something better to others.

Praying against the offense. 

It is hard to do.  I feel it deeply.

Year of the Lord

Last year at this time Pastor Bill preached on Isaiah 61 and declared 2014 to be the year of the Lord's favor.  Rocky and I grabbed that message.  We were in a dark place.  We had just moved to Gumboro.  In a last stitch effort to save everything.  Our home.  Our finances.  Our children's schooling.  Our future. 

We knew the move we were making was in direct obedience to the Lord.  I was not happy about the move.  I was so scared.  I was so unsure.  The only think I knew for sure was that it was the Lords will for us.  That, and Rocky was so very excited.  His only doubt was my hesitation.  For me, the obedience to the Lord and the submissiveness to my husband was very hard.  If you know me you know those are two traits I struggle with!

As you can imagine I now am filled with questions.  Why did we settle in there for Rocky to leave me less than two months later?  Why did I never fully submit?  Living in that house was the last big argument we had, exactly one week prior to his death.  Why did I continue to argue when I knew it was the Lords will and his love?  Why did I have to make things so tense?  Why couldn't I rejoice in his happiness?  What about the Lord's favor?

Well, after Rocky died I had decisions to make.  The first was the home.  The Lord released me from Gumboro and sent me back to the home Rocky and I lived in for 22 years.  I was able to bring all bills current and no longer live under the financial strain that had haunted Rocky and I.  Through the insurance, social security and selfless giving of others, I was financially stable for the first time in a very long time.  I ended up putting two of my children in private school where they are thriving, not just surviving.  I still have a hope and a future, just have no clue what it looks like.

You see, God did grant me his favor in 2014.  Would I trade it for a different path with Rocky?  Sure I would.  I will never understand but I know that the Lord has quite literally held me in the palm of his hands.  If not, I would have fallen for sure.  I am thankful for his favor, his comfort, his provision, his love.  I pray that all of this helps me to be better at loving people. 

After all, that's what living is really about.