Holiday thoughts the day after.

I have never been a big "let's get all crazy because it is December" kind of girl.  That said, I work hard to make the holidays special for my children.  Here are my rants this year.

1.  Why do people have to post every thing they do for their kids on facebook?  Does it make me less of a mom because the world doesn't know all I do?  Why do people post?  To showoff?  To beg for affirmation that they are doing a good job?  I struggle between good for you and hey, I do that too. When people say "you are such a wonderful mama".  I go back and forth between yes you are and why do you feel a need to publish your life?   I just choose not to publish it.  We do gingerbread houses, we bake cookies, we have traditions.  Ugg, another reason to hate December or Facebook, or both.

2.  Jesus wasn't really born in December.  I know it is the symbolic present that is celebrated but I am a realist.  If you get all crazy Jesus in December I think its weird.  Jesus is the gift that we open daily.  this past year has shown me that Jesus sometimes needs to be unwrapped multiple times a day.  I find it un-nerving that his glory seems to be saved for December and then wrapped up so awkwardly for a savior.

3.  Even in December, life goes on.  I have had sick kids, a broken freezer (hundreds of dollars worth of food lost), an broken garbage disposal, flat tires, an xbox that explodes after multiple gifts are opened.  I want to put a smile on my face and say ho, ho, ho but the reality is reality presses on and on December 26 I need to unwrap Jesus............again.

4.  Loss sucks.  I can paint a beautiful word picture if I want to, but I don't want to.  This season was exhausting, stressful, sad, lonely, and down right stinky.  Yes, people helped and yes I am thankful, but yes Christmas night I cried myself to sleep.  I mean deep, heart wrenching crying.  No, you cant fix it.  Yes, it makes me ugly.  Yes, I am surviving.  No, you can't help.  One day I will thank you for asking.

5.  Family is what is it is.  Not all families join in joy and laughter for the holidays.  Yes, we gather.  It is not Hallmark.  I wish it were.  Sometimes I think Hallmark must get a throw back from the anti-depressant/counseling industry.  I mean does it really happen?

Rant done for now I suppose.  I am thankful.  I know all year Jesus has been by comforter and has provided for me.  Rocky was my Merry Who-ha guy.  I am just a mom doing her best in a world that I really just don't understand.

Thinking of You

Thinking of you......these words are now a source of absolute frustration for me.  People who have been my "friends" from before Rocky's death have been no where to be seen.  As the holidays approach, I get texts, cards, messages that people have been thinking of me.  What do you think they are thinking?  Sorry I wasn't there for you this  year?  Don't know how  you are going to do Christmas without him?  I honestly don't know what they are thinking about.  I think they are thinking, thank God it isn't me.  That goes with the comments, I could never do all you do.  You are so strong.  You're such an inspiration.  Blah, blah, blah.....I am doing nothing more than dealing with the circumstances life has dealt me.  Please, don't think about me if you don't care.

On the other hand.  People who were once strangers or casual acquaintances have become my closest friends.  They are not thinking about me, they are there for me.  They stop me in public and give me a hug and I realize how much I crave human touch.  They prepare my home for the holidays.  They make meals and fill my freezer so dinner is not another stressor in my life.  They take my kids holiday shopping.  They give me books and words of inspiration.  They pray with me.  They find a way to take me to lunch or dinner (usually enlisting the help of their families).  They do.  No offense but right now your thoughts do nothing for me.

I have struggled to find God in the midst of this, especially during the holidays.  Then I remember these people who have come to me are the hands and feet of God and I am thankful for them.

Thanksgiving

Well, tomorrow is the day we give thanks.  I am having a hard time.  I truly have so much to be thankful for but I am drowning right now.  I can list all the Lord and his servants have done for us this past year.  I can think of all that I thought would never happen and has.  I can breath easier knowing that I have been taken care of.  I don't feel strong.  People ask about the holidays and I don't feel like I have been stressing.  Then I think about it and know that I have.  As the holidays approach I am irritable.  I am not sleeping.  I am short fused (God please grant excess favor to my children as they have to live through this).  I have a plan and I am working the holiday plan but I am tired.  I find no joy.  It is all obligation.  Tomorrow we will travel to my moms and I will be thankful.  I will sit at the table and I will remember years gone past when he was there.  I will think about all who have stepped out to love on us.  I will be grateful.  I will relearn Thanksgiving.  I will remember never to take anything for granted.

Big Bear Arms

I have had an exceptionally hard week.  Don't know for sure what went wrong.  I have been tired.  I have been irritable.  I have had disappointments and I have had great moments.  I am exceptionally tired.  I know I am stressed because my back aches.  The muscles across my back just throb continuously.  All I can think is whenever I would feel like this.  You know when the everyday business of life just seems to much, I remember Rocky.  I would walk up to him and tell him to just hold me.  I would rest my head on his strong shoulders and he would wrap those arms around me and just hold me.  Usually after a few minutes like this I would feel the stresses of the world leave my back.  His embrace would literally dissolve all that was wearing me down.  For almost a week now I have longed for those big bear arms.  They made it all better.  They gave me rest.  They allowed me to regroup and press on.  I am feeling  the strain of life and dreaming of those arms.  The dreams aren't taking the pain and I am  sad.

Over It

Today my son had to deal with something so insensitive that it breaks my heart.  Apparently at lunch counseling came up and he admitted that he sees a counselor.  Students who don't know us asked why.  He told them that his dad died.  There was a student there who knows our family and our story.  Someone who has watched us walk the past 8 months out.  That student said, "you aren't over that yet?"  He then followed up with, "my dog died and I am over it."  My son said he started to cry.  Not open sobs but tears in his eyes that he held back with all of his might.  Praise God for the sensitive friends around him that responded and spoke for him in that moment.  They responded with things like, "It was his dad, not a dog".  "I wouldn't be over it."  And then a simple, "I am sorry."  He was glad they spoke for him.  He said their expressions were way more powerful than their words.  I am thankful for them.  They gave him the moments he needed to compose himself and press on.  That is what we do, compose ourselves and press on.  My children will never be over it.  They will get awards and wish their father was there to see.  They will succeed in sports and wish their father was on the sideline.  They will graduate and wish their father was there.  They will one day marry and wish their father was there to meet the love of their lives.  They  will have children and cry that their father will never meet them.  They will wonder what kind of grandfather he would have been.  They will send their kids to school on grandparents day and remember the void.  They will never get over it.  They will learn to live with it but that is not the same.  I am glad he shared this moment with me.  I am thankful that we talk.  I am glad we can pray and ask for God to walk with us.  I am glad we can pray and extend forgiveness to the offender who just doesn't understand.  We can pray that people will be sensitive to us and we learn to realize that everyone is on a journey.  We can be sensitive to others.

Lonely

I just need to say it......I am really lonely.  I am around people all of the time but I have no one to talk to.  I mean to really talk to.  People want to fix things.  People want to give me advice.  People think they are supposed to say something.  I just need a safe place.  I need a person to talk to.  I need to not feel so very alone.  The people I once thought were so close are all but gone.  Others have stepped in but not in a way that makes me feel safe.  I feel like a leper sometimes.  There is something wrong.  People don't know what to say so they stay away.  I know that I have never had a multitude of people close to me but right now I would really love to have someone.  I cry because I always wished Rocky would talk  to me more.  I know now that we talked all the time.  About stuff that mattered.  About my heart.  I had no idea what I had in him.  God, I miss him.  Now, I am lonely.  I am suffering.  I am tired.  I am doubting myself and my ability to do this.  I just wish I didn't feel so alone.  Please don't tell me that God is with me.  I know.

Widow

Sometimes when my life gets crazy I feel a need to explain my circumstances.  In the beginning I would tell people I was a single mom of five.  I would get reactions like wow, five!  And then nothing.  I realized that I had to present myself as a widow.  I don't look for much.  I only want people to understand I need to simplify. You see a single mom is generally divorced.  That means the man they had kids with they have decided they no longer want to be in relationship with.  No matter how evil, he is often still around to help.  At a minimum they get a weekend off every once in awhile.    I need people to understand I am alone.  This is my journey.  He will not pick them up from school and get them to the game.  He is gone.  He will not take one to one field while I go to the other.  He is permanently unavailable.  I am a widow.  I am alone.  I am not living out the consequences of my choices.  I am living out loss.  I am a single mom of five.  I am a widow.  It is different.

More than I can Handle

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

 

Read that again, go ahead.  Did you see where it said God will not give you more than you can handle?  I don't either.  I see that it says God will give us a way out of temptation.  See below for Wikipedia definition of temptation.

 

Temptation is the desire to perform an action that one may enjoy immediately or in the short term but will probably later regret for various reasons: legal, social, psychological (including feeling guilt), health-related, economic, etc. In the context of religion, temptation is the inclination to sin. Temptation also describes the coaxing or inducing a person into committing such an act, by manipulation or otherwise of curiosity, desire or fear of loss.

 

An action one may enjoy in the short term but may forget.  Hmmmmm.......are you thinking yet?

 

Everyone tells me that God will not give me more than I can handle as I walk through this overwhelming stage of my life.  I started looking it up.  God doesn't say that.  I am not tempted to sin.  I am however tempted to stick my head under a rock and cry.  Please don't tell me that God is giving me any of this.  He did not take Rocky.  He did not put Isaiah on a soccer team in Willards.  He did not create Micah as an angry young man.  He did not teach Phoebe to sass.  He did not create the anomaly of the pre teen years especially for Samuel.  He did not show Lucas how to cry to get what he wants.  He did not decide this week was a good one for my refrigerator to break down.  No, He loves me.  These things are partly due to sin of the flesh, yes......my sin?  My desire to feel good in the moment?  No.

 

God did not give me these things.  He is not interested in testing my every possible limit at once.  He is, however, interested in walking through this with me.  He did say

 

Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. Hebrews 13:5

 

See, God is going to give me the grace to do this thing.  He is going to carry me.  He may even drag me at times.  But never, never is he going to leave me.  Please think before you speak.  Cliches are just so empty and make the one delivering them seem so empty.  Especially when someone is in need of truth.  Sometimes truth is simple......Life Sucks, But God is Still on the Throne.

Buzzing

I knew it would happen, but it is still hard.  I don't blame them, they don't know.  I really don't even know what I expect.  I am not sure they could ever get it right. 

The day after Rocky's death my home was a bee hive.  There is no other way to describe it.  The worker bees came in and took over.  Took over to a level of making me uncomfortable.  Some of these bees I knew, some I had seen.  Some I thought were sending me a message that they were there for me.  I was advised to let them do their thing.  Was it nice to have my home cleaned?  Sure.  Was it nice that people cared?  I suppose.  The truth is now 5 months later, the pain is harder.  The reality is far more concrete.  The bees are long gone.  Just wondering, if the motive was not to help the hive thrive, then perhaps you should not have swarmed.

Learning Control

Several times lately I have seen the statement that says, "Sometimes memories are seen as tears running down my cheeks."  I get that.  Sometimes they are out of control.  What I have found is that when I am tired or stressed I have less control of this.  That is my fear with going back into the classroom.  It is both exhausting and stressful.  What do I do when my mind goes back to the pain?  How do I handle the defiant kid?  I have struggled with controlling my reactions with my own children. They know where I am.  How do I do that with others?  The though of the classroom brings tears to my eyes.  I know God has me there and will help me but I really don't know what that will look like.  When I think about it, I cry.  I suppose I will learn to control the tears and let them flow at night.  There are very few that understand where I am.  They are not at work.  At school, I am supposed to be in control.  I can fake it, but I am not sure for how long.  Going to learn control.  Somehow, Someway.

BED

Bed....seems like such a simple word, but it is so complicated.  I am going to bed.  I must be tired.  They went to bed.  They must like each other.  We make our bed and lie in it.  Living with choices.

For me, my bed has brought on so much emotion.  Every night I go to bed.  I walk around the bed to the far side to get in on my side.  His side stays empty.  I started on the far side to be protected.  When I go to the bathroom I walk around the bed.  Never climbing over.  Never disturbing that space.  When I wake only half the bed needs to be made.  Half.  So symbolic.  Seems so simple but represents so much.  That half of the bed stays empty.  Every night it reminds me of the missing in my life.  No matter how much I pretend, that part of me is gone.  The bed, the reminder.  Oh, to hear the snoring.  That snoring that would cause me to shove with all my might to make it stop.  Tonight, it would sound like music.  Oh, to walk around so I would not wake the man lying there.  Oh, to meet in the middle.

For months I stayed up as late as possible so I would crash and not think about or see the bed.  Now, the bed awaits every night.  A constant reminder of all that was, and all that is no more.

What if

What if I told the hundreds of people who ask how I am doing the truth?  I smile and say we are ok, but we are not.  I say we are doing our best and I guess we are but not really.  What if I say I cry myself to sleep at night and I yell at my kids daily and I can’t keep control.  What if I tell people that I kicked in my sons door or have a bruise on my hand from hitting the cement floor to prove a point about laundry?  I know people mean well, but why do they ask?  I am walking through hell.  I didn’t know what lonely felt like until now.  I am drowning in a sea of regrets of things not said, love not exchanged, love lost and absolute confusion.  I don’t know what to do next or how to function.  I am surviving.  I am wondering how I will survive.  I am confused.  I am sad.  I am angry.  I am lost.  I am strong.  I am pitiful.  I am completely unsure of my future.  I know God has me but my faith is weak.  I am scared, really scared.  That is how I am.  Please don’t ask.  No matter how I answer it will be different a minute later……a second later.  I am.  That is all.

New look

So I had a blog.....Klaverweiden7 and I haven't posted in so long.  I decided to go back to it and I can't remember the password.  so here I am starting again......7kgang.  Well, that is us even though we are now missing one, that is who we are.  I have decided to start again because I needed a place to write out this journey.  You see, we are the 7kgang but we lost our leader on February 25, 2014.  My husband, the father of my five children, had a sudden heart attack.  No warning, No idea, No plan on how to move forward.  Read if you want, I just need to talk.